Nugget #391

I despise bathroom doors that open like a weakling on the other side is pushing back. Nobody needs to see someone evacuating themselves.

Nugget #414

A euphemism for cock and balls is "bagpipes", so next time just request your lady friend plays Amazing Grace on your bagpipes.

Nugget #390

What would I do to be with Natalie Portman? I'll god damn tell you. I would invent a time machine, which is a pretty impressive task in and of itself, then go back in time, and not kill Hitler. For you, Natalie.

Nugget #389

The amount of fingernail trimming that goes on in massage schools is far above my comfort level.

Nugget #388

Did you know that blue alien opera singer in The Fifth Element was played by Mitch Hedberg?

Nugget #434

I'm ambivalent about my overuse of toilet paper in regards to being green and clean. All you one-wipers can live in your filthy Stone Age.

Nugget #387

Most people don't know I'm Danny Devito's thigh double. The work comes up more than you'd think.