Nugget #528:
I pimped my car out yesterday. By that I mean I ask my friends for twenty bucks after I give them a ride, and if they don't pay up I beat the shit out of them.
Nugget #527:
My new brand of organic, premium, vegan, carbon neutral, LGBT-friendly teen cosmetics are taking over the world. Hitler style.
Nugget #526:
Scatman Crothers keeps hacking my twitter. At least I assume it's Scatman. All they do is complain about being typecast in movies as a "jazzy uncle Tom".
Nugget #525:
I bought a $10 Groupon for $20 worth of Aurora prostitutes. Sure, I got half off the price, but why do I feel twice as guilty for strangling her to death?
Nugget #524:
There are two kinds of people in this world: People with attached earlobes, and people with outie belly buttons. They both make me feel like my Middle school gym teacher is making me shower after class without my swim trunks on.
Nugget #523:
Whenever I get real down in the dumps about life I have one surefire trick that puts me in a good mood instantly every time. Meth.
Nugget #522:
2009 was the year of the ox? Thanks for cluing me in, guys! God, I would have done that year much differently.
Nugget #521:
God, I'm such a makeout whore. Seriously. I'll makeout with you for twenty bucks right now. Please. My kids need groceries and this mama's nose is hungry, mister.
Nugget #520:
I'll tell you something: It's downright impossible to read an economics book around multi-generational families of dwarves.
Nugget #518:
It would be hard to remember 9/11 in a dignified way if those planes had crashed into a popcorn factory.
Nugget #517:
I find it odd that we park on driveways and drive on parkways. Also, that being a "sexual predator" is not as badass as it sounds.
Nugget #516:
It's a solar panel for a sex machine. No, I mean, it really is. That's the solar panel, and that's the sex machine. Yeah, I mean, it's "green", but, it's just...it's just horrible.
Nugget #513:
If there ever comes a time when I have two spotlights simultaneously shining on me and I'm not fellating a clown? Mission Accomplished.
Nugget #512:
I wish pregnant women would sometimes give birth to pickles so that saying would make more sense.
Nugget #511:
I saw a t-shirt that said "Gay is the new Black". It made me wonder whether I'm behind on fashion or prejudice.
Nugget #510:
I'm picturing a leathery-skinned guy with a goatee and very little body fat. What? It's a horse?
Nugget #509:
How do chicken eggs stay fresh in a hot chicken uterus and a cold refrigerator? That hasn't worked for even one of my kids.
Nugget #508:
I'm not racist, dear boy; I'm raceful. It requires more panache. Now fetch me my octoroon divining rod!
Nugget #507:
A female performing fellatio is called a fellatrice or fellatrix, but only if she and the receiver of said fellatio are at a medieval faire, or are both robots.
Nugget #506:
The fruit bat is the only non-primate to practice oral sex, but that's only if you exclude all the other really slutty non-primates.
Nugget #505:
The polka dot originates from a traditional Polish dance in which six men and six women dance in a circle formation, and then beat each other to death with their bare hands till the last one standing screams, "Żadna litość".
Nugget #504:
The day that straight men take as much pride in their appearance as gay men do is the day women lose all power over us. And then we'll take away their right to vote.
Nugget #503:
I just realized why Northwest girls love dumpy hipster dudes with unkempt beards: I am living in Hell.
Nugget #502:
You can make just about anything crotchless or tear-away. All it takes is effort and rustic sexuality.
Nugget #499:
I want a pair of khakis with so many pleats you couldn't fit another god damned pleat in.
Nugget #498:
I want to be a bagger at Safeway just to drive all the customers nuts trying to figure out how I'm disabled.
Nugget #496:
I get real stressed out thinking about how, no matter how much I pick it, my nose will never not have boogers in it.
Nugget #494:
Trust me, you haven't seen gruesome till you've seen a mobile blood donation van hit a semi full of hogs on the freeway.
Nugget #491:
Where can I bring my young children so that they might be exposed to the angry ramblings and threatening stumblings of drunk, sunburnt homeless men? If only my tax dollars could be misused to fund a traumatic public area such as the one I describe.
Nugget #490:
Dear Newport: Your ads feature white people not smoking. I don't see any of them wearing shoes for hats and hats for shoes, so am assuming your marketing department is broken.
Nugget #489:
In the future alien species are homogeneous in every way! And everyone becomes super prejudice about the whole thing.
Nugget #488:
Frankenstein and mummies are really getting shafted in this Halloween creature erotic fiction battle.
Nugget #487:
I'll tell you what: I have had it up to here trying to sell my prepubescent-geared erotic fiction to publishers. They wouldn't know a good thing if it punched them in the uvula.
Nugget #486:
I like to butt-dial people I'm angry with just so they have to say Hi directly to my anus.
Nugget #484:
My cod liver oil bottle has a lot of backwash in it, which is weird since the cap seal wasn't broken when I bought it. But, you know. We're talking cod.
Nugget #483:
When leaving or returning to our seats at movie theaters, why not make it fun and just crowd surf?
Nugget #482:
Bikwondo: A taekwondo dating service for bi-sexual, taekwondo-enthusiasts looking to date other bi-sexual, Taekwondo-enthusiasts.
Nugget #481:
Ever since I was a kid I've feared becoming a wittol, and look at me now. Man. Wrong turn at wittolquerque.
Nugget #480:
Ever taken a look at the locks on the chimpanzee cages at the zoo? They're tiny. And that's the real difference between man and chimp: Finesse. You give that chimp a normal sized lock and a key, and he'd have it open before he could bite your face and all your fingers off. But you give him a tiny lock and a tiny key, and his nimble fingers and opposable thumbs are as useless as a rapper without a wildly inflated sense of self-confidence. Finesse.
Nugget #479:
Downtown youth! Can we not discuss the frequency and amplitude of your exclamations towards peers located across the street?
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