Nugget #494:
Trust me, you haven't seen gruesome till you've seen a mobile blood donation van hit a semi full of hogs on the freeway.
Nugget #491:
Where can I bring my young children so that they might be exposed to the angry ramblings and threatening stumblings of drunk, sunburnt homeless men? If only my tax dollars could be misused to fund a traumatic public area such as the one I describe.
Nugget #490:
Dear Newport: Your ads feature white people not smoking. I don't see any of them wearing shoes for hats and hats for shoes, so am assuming your marketing department is broken.
Nugget #489:
In the future alien species are homogeneous in every way! And everyone becomes super prejudice about the whole thing.
Nugget #488:
Frankenstein and mummies are really getting shafted in this Halloween creature erotic fiction battle.
Nugget #487:
I'll tell you what: I have had it up to here trying to sell my prepubescent-geared erotic fiction to publishers. They wouldn't know a good thing if it punched them in the uvula.
Nugget #486:
I like to butt-dial people I'm angry with just so they have to say Hi directly to my anus.
Nugget #484:
My cod liver oil bottle has a lot of backwash in it, which is weird since the cap seal wasn't broken when I bought it. But, you know. We're talking cod.
Nugget #483:
When leaving or returning to our seats at movie theaters, why not make it fun and just crowd surf?
Nugget #482:
Bikwondo: A taekwondo dating service for bi-sexual, taekwondo-enthusiasts looking to date other bi-sexual, Taekwondo-enthusiasts.
Nugget #481:
Ever since I was a kid I've feared becoming a wittol, and look at me now. Man. Wrong turn at wittolquerque.
Nugget #480:
Ever taken a look at the locks on the chimpanzee cages at the zoo? They're tiny. And that's the real difference between man and chimp: Finesse. You give that chimp a normal sized lock and a key, and he'd have it open before he could bite your face and all your fingers off. But you give him a tiny lock and a tiny key, and his nimble fingers and opposable thumbs are as useless as a rapper without a wildly inflated sense of self-confidence. Finesse.
Nugget #479:
Downtown youth! Can we not discuss the frequency and amplitude of your exclamations towards peers located across the street?
Nugget #478:
When Salt-n-Pepa sing "You so crazy / I think I wanna have your baby", does she intend to actually raise this baby or just Plan-B it because they're so nuts about this guy? I worry about their impulsiveness.
Nugget #477:
Will TV news ever become even slightly adept at appropriate transitions between news stories? It's excruciating to see Ann Curry transition from playing with an adorable bear cub a zoologist brought in-studio, to a story on car bombings in Israel. I understand one has to mix things up, but is there no solution? History would apparently point to, No. I yearn for a solution, at least for Ann's sake.
Nugget #476:
Am I the only one that's sometimes too lazy to poop? PROS: I'm comfy, watching a movie on the couch. CON: I should probably go poop. I swear - these everyday battles.
Nugget #475:
When flirting with a girl wearing an eyepatch, make sure you wink on her good side. Same type of thing goes for wooing a girl with one deaf ear. Hell, paraphelia for the disabled is a pain in my ass, period.
Nugget #474:
What I wouldn't do to have a public garage memorialized in my name. Or have a sticker on the back of someone's car informing people that I'm dead. Also, I don't know. Have someone crap on my grave?
Nugget #473:
Is the black nub at the end of a peeled banana its anus? And if so, this unsettles what I thought was my well-defined sexuality.
Nugget #472:
Have you ever been too lazy to poop? I swear, sometimes I have been so lazy that I spend ten minutes weighing the pros and cons of laying on the couch holding it in, or of having to muster the strength to walk to the bathroom and do some fecal exercise. But hey. Life presents us crossroads every day, and we have to have the gumption to pick a road.
Nugget #471:
I wish the Muppet Babies cartoon had been about them when they were senile, and in their waning years, just puttering about their rooms in the old folk's home. I can just picture Fozzy in his room, slowly leaning back and forth in his rocking chair, his strange bib/bow-tie soiled with day-old soup, and talking to himself: "I...had a son once...but, I'm...not sure. Please. Don't wokka...wokka...away, Daniel."
Nugget #470:
If I ever saw a clown car get into a horrific traffic accident...clowns screaming, bleeding all over the place, enormous bloody shoes thrown twenty feet from the site? Come on. You're a damned liar if you said you wouldn't be laughing your ass off.
Nugget #469:
If the course of sex toys continues, their pinnacle product will be a robot both people have intercourse with at the same time, though if one of them calls out whatever they named the sexbot when they orgasm, I can see issues being created. Whatever. Sexbot threesome.
Nugget #468
Did you know that in Trinidad, audibly farting during a funeral is consider a gesture of respect for the descreased?
Nugget #467:
I have invented a new word: Me-sturbation. Me-sturbation is when you masturbate while looking at yourself masturbate in a mirror.
Nugget #466:
"Criminal masturbation". Besides the obvious option - masturbating in public - my brain is fascinated with what other venues there are to accomplish this.
Good Pussy
Petting you
You hum with pleasure
But you play, play with your toys
And I am left only to watch your pleasure
Jealous, for I am not enough
There is not enough litter to cover the troubles between us
Nugget #465:
You know those coffee shops where girls dress up in bikinis and serve coffee? Prosteristas. I copyrighted that, so don't even think of using it.
Nugget #464:
Apparently Planned Parenthood is not a good place to pick up potential wives. I just figured the girls there have at least been through part of the process of starting a family, but man. Those girls are not receptive to be wooed.
Barista (Day-Wife)
We are antiquated lovers
You serving me spinach quiche and hot coffee,
You fuel me. You fuel my heart.
You are paid so little, but loved so much
From afar I slip a ring on your finger and say, “I Do.”
I like your earrings. Do you think…No? Ok. (Bitch.)
Nugget #463:
I still maintain my misunderstanding regarding what Pee-Patch gardens are for is understandable.
The Hunt
Watching, waiting
I find it such a rush
To sleep (face down) on antique paintings
Nugget #462:
I'm surprised sex dolls haven't been combined with ventriloquist dummies. At least the lonely perverts would have someone to talk to afterwards.
Nugget #459:
If Santa Claus wore khaki shorts and a wife beater, I bet Christmas wouldn't be celebrated as much.
Nugget #458:
If I was missing an arm, I'd get one of those high-tech prosthetic arms, but have a taxidermist make it look like a bear arm. It'd probably hurt your professional career, but I bet you twenty-give bucks if you got lost in the woods, the bears would accept you into their pack.
Nugget #457:
What is it that's so unerving about someone wearing a nothing but a t-shirt. I think it has something to do with sexualizing Porky pig, but I haven't quite worked it out yet.
Nugget #456:
The sad thing about how crappy this economy is is how hard is must be affecting the sales team at Planned Parenthood must be working for their commissions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
