Nugget #462:
I'm surprised sex dolls haven't been combined with ventriloquist dummies. At least the lonely perverts would have someone to talk to afterwards.
Nugget #459:
If Santa Claus wore khaki shorts and a wife beater, I bet Christmas wouldn't be celebrated as much.
Nugget #458:
If I was missing an arm, I'd get one of those high-tech prosthetic arms, but have a taxidermist make it look like a bear arm. It'd probably hurt your professional career, but I bet you twenty-give bucks if you got lost in the woods, the bears would accept you into their pack.
Nugget #457:
What is it that's so unerving about someone wearing a nothing but a t-shirt. I think it has something to do with sexualizing Porky pig, but I haven't quite worked it out yet.
Nugget #456:
The sad thing about how crappy this economy is is how hard is must be affecting the sales team at Planned Parenthood must be working for their commissions.
Nugget #455:
I went to this Deaf Arts festival the other day, but it was pretty boring because there was nobody to talk to.
Nugget #454:
A volunteer worker on the street asked me if I wanted to stop dog fighting. Do I want to stop cat's meowing? I'm not sure that organization is focusing on the right issues.
Nugget #453:
Bringing a pack of severely mentally disabled kids to hooters would be fun just to see how the hooters waitresses handled it.
Nugget #452:
John Mayer's voice makes me feel like a creepy uncle is tickling the back of my neck. Mayer has mastered Voice Molestation.
Nugget #451:
How the hell did Jimmy Fallon get The Roots to be his house band? That's like Carson Daly getting U2 to be his house band.
Nugget #449:
If Taylor Swift's eyes were any sexier, they would collapse into black holes, imploding, killing us all.
Nugget #448:
What's so unnerving about someone walking around in only a t-shirt? Am I the only one here? I'm sure we've all seen this in our house or, Barcelona or something. It's like they're trying to make Porky Pig a sex object. Do you realize he's the only Warner Brothers characters that wears any clothes? It's disturbing. And a bow-tie to boot! I feel like there's some sort of Animal Farm analogy going on there. Porky's slowly becoming Elmer Fudd's co-conspirator and all of a sudden, woops! Taz is in a zoo, Bugs Bunny becomes four lucky rabbit's feet, and Taz is in a zoo while Porky and Elmer Fudd feast on Daffy's roasted carcass while wearing top hats and monocles. Maybe I'm reading into it a bit too much.
Nugget #447:
Did you know it's impossible for an owl to get addicted to cigarettes? It's hard enough holding them down in the first place.
Nugget #445:
One of the biggest disappointments in my life is that Pepto-Bismol turns your poop blank and not neon pink.
Nugget #444:
I'm really into cosplay, which, if you didn't know, is playing with Bill Cosby. It's fair to say my sex life is pretty limited.
Nugget #443:
To encourage good hygiene, I will be peeing in every public sink I encounter. Wash your hands.
Nugget #441:
Listen: I'm not proposing we outlaw practicing making babies; just regulating the making of them. I'm going rogue on this one, so my tom-peeping skills and megaphone make me a perfect candidate.
Nugget #440:
Why do most guys get off on seeing two girls kiss? The guy isn't involved in said smooching, and most certainly will not be. This seems like a plumber looking at the moon and going, "Boy, I sure enjoy being an astronaut!"
Nugget #438:
The Cantonese have a Seahorse Soup recipe that calls for four seahorses, pork stock, ginger and carrots. It is considered an added benefit to the meal if the male seahorses happen to be pregnant. This is not a Nugget; just an unsettling fact.
Nugget #437:
We know about 10% of what goes on at the bottom of the ocean, and what we do know is unequivocally horrifying. Activate plan "Nuke Sea Floor".
Nugget #436:
You know, it blows my mind that in this day and age, in a time when we have finally learned to accept people of all colors, genders and sexual orientations, we still harbor discrimination and bigotry. Does my being a pescasexual make me a bad person? No. It means I support the local fishing industry. It means I don't buy farmed fish. And yes, I know what you're thinking. Yes, I do eat them afterward. To be truthful, though, I still haven't figured out all the ramifications of that. I...uh...I struggle.
Nugget #435:
Did you know Tom Waits' first job in showbiz was starring in Tales From The Crypt as Graveyard Gus, teller of spooky Halloween stories? It was sheer serendipity that a producer accidentally cued up some dive bar music instead of Halloween sound effects.
Nugget #434:
If we put all the research and development funds spent on toothpaste and cosmetics we'd have cured AIDS by now. But, on the other hand, we all have horrible teeth and ugly girls, so it's a tough decision.
Nugget #433
I feel like my burgeoning career in generating hilarious crime reports doesn't have much of a future.
Nugget #429
If my first kid turns out really cool, I think I'll just clone him. I mean, why roll the dice again, you know?
Nugget #427
Apparently Gin, specifically, is very unhealthy for your prostate, so I call it a "Gin Finger" when I ask a girl to massage it.
Nugget #424
What's the appropriate color of rose to get your girlfriend for having an abortion? Red just seems...tactless.
Nugget #423
Can you believe nobody has ever patented suspenders? Larry King is going to owe me shitloads.
Nugget #422
I like that, according to the packaging in came in, my underwear wicks moisture away, apparently, just depositing the moisture into the crotch of my jeans, but still. It's a step in the right direction.
Nugget #421
When did throwing rotten fruit at bad performers go out of style? I suppose there's a lot about the Old West that beguiles me.
Nugget #420
My neighborhood organized a Multiple Sclerosis pub crawl last weekend. Now, do you really think a bartender is going to serve a bunch of people stumbling into a bar? The whole thing was just poorly thought out.
Nugget #446:
Ok, so, the Middle East seems to have this hidden mine problem. Mines just buried everywhere. Kids are walking around playing kick the can, or whatever ragamuffin desert games they play, and then BAM. Legs GONE.
Now, I got to thinking about this. What does the Unites States have a surplus of? Stray cats and dogs. People don't get them spayed and neutered, they do the whole sex thing, and then we have feral dogs and cats roaming around that nobody wants, getting into dumpsters and having fights with the whole smoke cloud with stars coming out of it and whatever.
Now, what does the Middle East have a surplus of? Hidden mines. We have a surplus of animals that like to randomly run around. You get me? Don't sent these kids money for prosthetic legs! Send the stray cats and dogs! Way cheaper.
Now, I got to thinking about this. What does the Unites States have a surplus of? Stray cats and dogs. People don't get them spayed and neutered, they do the whole sex thing, and then we have feral dogs and cats roaming around that nobody wants, getting into dumpsters and having fights with the whole smoke cloud with stars coming out of it and whatever.
Now, what does the Middle East have a surplus of? Hidden mines. We have a surplus of animals that like to randomly run around. You get me? Don't sent these kids money for prosthetic legs! Send the stray cats and dogs! Way cheaper.
Nugget #419
If my wife enjoys being fisted, I am so calling bullshit on any whining during childbirth.
Nugget #418
I guarantee you that if you enter a gay bar dressed like a priest, there will at least be a handful of angry gay men with erections.
Nugget #416
There's a sex store down the street from my house that sells didgeridoos. I marvel, sir. I marvel.
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